20 YEARS HAVE FLOWN BY

May 28,1988 was the day I ended my life as a child and became an adult, or so I thought at the time. TCHS class of 48, graduated and we cried. We were a close class, how could you not be with 48 people in your graduating class? We are getting together in a few weeks to celebrate 20 years of what? Wedded bliss for some, fame for others, me? Nothing but being glad to be alive and glad I am married to the man of my dreams and being a Christian.
I spoke to a class mate a few nights ago who was labeled special needs. She ahs written a book of peotry adn is a published author! Wow! I am so proud of her! I never would have thought she would be a published author.
I was always the one who was friends with everyone well, except for the guy that broke my jaw as a freshman. him, I don't like very well! But anyway, I loved everyone in my class and feel like most of them like me too. Of course, there are a few who think their crap didn't stink, and still do to this day. But, let me tell their crap does stink! I haven't met anyone whose doesn't. LOL!
I can't wait to see everyone again. Only to see how they are.

This spoke to me before today

November 7, 2008. It is not easy accepting a new leader for whom you did not vote. You highly preferred someone else. Now that the decision is made, you can show your faith in Me even stronger through praying and believing. I can use My choice as I choose for My purposes. My ways are not always your ways and My thoughts are not always your thoughts. I have a purpose to bring repentance and to remove Godlessness. With you and others praying, I can do even more mighty things for your benefit. I say again to you, put your faith in God. Believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.Proverbs 21:1 “The king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes.”

November 7, 2008. You have been attacked by the enemy, but you have not recognized it. If you realize it right now you are catching it early, that is, if you do something about it. Stand against the attack. Declare the cross of Jesus, the shedding of His blood in death, His resurrection that publicly defeated the devil. This is the way of defeating the attack. Sometimes you do not address an attack, and by lack of action on your part in effect you are denying the importance of where the source comes from. The devil is recorded in Scripture as walking around as a roaring lion seeking someone to devour. Take this seriously. Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

For Everything there is a season

Last Thursday the Blackwell family had to say good-bye to the rock of our family. Nanny passed away Thursday Sept. 25th at 11:30 pm. It was a peaceful death. We were visible shaken, knowing that nothing would ever be the same again. My ally was gone. Who would put people in their place and tell them to mind their own business? You know I can't do it. It's not my place unless it directly invloves my direct family.

Then on Friday moring at 10:25 am my Uncle Joe stopped fighting. Alheimiers had taken his life. I was with him at the time. The nurses at the nursing home were there to comfort me. Or at least they tried. There was realy no comforting someone when they have watch two people that they cherised so dearly, take their last breaths.

That is exactly what I did with both of them. I can't really it explain how it feels. I felt God's hand on both ocassions. It wasn't feeling his hands taking their lives, it was his hand's that were comforting me. There was peace. The only reason I was crying was because I was sad to see my loved ones leave for their heavenly homes.
I like to think I am a strong person, but only surely by the grace of God. I now know my purpose in life, at least one of them.

Sharpen your blade!

What the Lord Is Saying Today
September 24, 2008. Keep your blade sharp. You will save yourself much effort and time by doing so. Only a negligent hand and a dull mind would allow a dull blade to continue. I say unto you, you have done well to keep your blade sharp through the study of My word and the seeking daily of My wisdom. The devil, your mortal enemy, is constantly seeking ways to outwit and compromise you. Never let him get the upper hand. In My word is all you need to know about the enemy and how to defeat him. I say unto you visit your sharpening block or strap often. Enjoy the art and skill of keeping the finest edge possible. I have now instructed you.Ecclesiastes 10:10 “Since a dull ax requires great strength, sharpen the blade. That's the value of wisdom; it helps you succeed.”

September 24, 2008. There are many things which have concerned you. You and I know some are really bad. I know about them all. Nothing has come that I have not allowed. I am sovereign, but I did not cause them. We both have an enemy and he brings destruction and separation. You have responded in a good way. You are praying and rolling all these things over on Me. I am the One who lifts the burden. I am the one who brings conviction and restoration. You are praying and trusting Me, and this is the right way. These are not for you to handle. I turn bad things into good things.Romans 8:28-29 “That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son.”

AND BABY MAKES 4....

This weekend Kelly and I have to decided to begin the adoption process.Yeah!!! We are going to start looking at which agency will be the best fit for us. We would like to go thru a christian agency. There is an agency thru the Methodist church that I am interested in. We have to pay $200.00 for apllication fee, then have an interview, then a home study and then wait for the birth mother to choose us. I would love to have this process to run smoothly. The money is another thing we are worried about. I know that the adoption fee is based on your income. How I wished that I had rich Uncle somewhere! HA...
I have read blogs that have a paypal for people to donate funds for adoption. Is this a route I want to take? Begging people (strangers) to help out with our adoption? Yes, I want a baby! I think I am going to pray and wait for God to lead us in the direction he wants us to take.
We had a great weekend. We stayed super busy! Staurday we helped Kelly's namesake Kelly Dianne celebrate her 13th birthday. Today is her actual birthday. Happy Birthday sweet Kelly Dianne! Sunday, was the Blackwell, Ford, Ray family renuion. It was super hot! We only stayed for about 2 hours because it was at the city park and felt like 300 degrees outside! Sunday night we went to Kelly's friend's Scooter's house. I met his new girlfriend Chelle. Not new to him but to me and Kelly. She was nice, we had a great time. We watched a Cat Williams DVD and laughed our butts off! We didn't get home until 2:30 am. I was back up at 8:00 am so, all day yesterday, I laid around!
I was lazy on my day off.
Please pray that our adoption process is quick!

The Circle of Life

Here recently I have been faced with the newness of life and the finalization of it.
One of my favorite bible verses is: Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. I know that God has a plan for everyone and I have stated this before, I wish that I could open my Bible and there would be God's plan written out for me to follow.

Life isn't that easy. But neither is watching someone you have loved all of your life, deteriorate. Becoming someone that they wouldn't even recognize. This past week has shown me that God's hand is in everything, good and bad. I watched my sweet cousin become the woman she has always craved to be. A wife. At her wedding I watched her nephew and was in wonder at the newness of life in him. In awe of him looking at everyone at the wedding and trying to play quietly. Watching him at the reception, trying to figure out who everyone was. The amazement in his eyes at the lights and sounds that were all around. Sad that I would never have a child of my own flesh and blood to experience the firsts with. That was God's plan.... Something I truly don't understand...

This week I have been to the hospital to visit loved ones who are awaiting to go see their Lord and loved ones who have passed away. My cousin Diana and I were emailing each other back and forth all week because her father-in-law is on his death bed. I call him my Grandpa Bill, even though he really isn't. Anyway she made the comment that she hopes that everyone she loves truly does love the Lord and accepts Jesus as their Savior- not her words- I have paraphrased. She feels that some of the churches no longer tell us that we need to accept Jesus as our Savior to ensure that we all will go to Heaven. I then told her that is why were are to witness. I know that is one of the things God has planned for me. That one is pretty clear...

I have also been visiting my Uncle Joe who has Alzheimer's and dementia, aren't they the same thing? Uncle Joe was always the one to work out in the yard, just staying busy. I can remember going to visit Uncle Joe and Aunt Jean in the summer and Uncle Joe would be mowing with a beer in his hand. He was a great griller. He loved to read. Western were is favorite. He still know who I am, he tells the nurses that I am his niece, but then he starts rambling about things that I have no clue about.
I try to go along but then he'll ask me a question and I'll have no idea how to answer. I usually shrug my shoulders and say I don't know. So sad to see. He will be going into the nursing home today. Even sadder. I don't know if he knows Jesus. That isn't something we ever talked about. Worse.. Why wasn't that something we talked about?

For Everthing there is a season....

God's Love,

THE TEARS FLOW

I was reading my cousin Kelly's blog of her little sweetheart Cade and saw that she had a new blog that she read and I linked to it:http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/. Oh goodness, I felt like many of the words she had written are the things that I feel about my own loss. Even though I never met my baby I feel like it was a boy and I know that the baby knew that he is loved.

I know that the pain of the loss of a child never goes away, it just gets easier, but for me it seems to have gotten harder. I am sure that it is the fact that I will never carry a child in a womb that no loner exists. Please don't think, I am playing the pity party, this is something that I need to get off my chest. The whole thing is painful. The above blogger's name is also Angie. Wow, I know that God has lead me to her site for a reason. She co-wrote a song with her husband that Is absolutely beautiful and states many of the things that I feel everyday. It is called "I Will Carry You". Please visit the site and read the words.

I trust in the Lord and know that he has wonderful plans in store for me and will lead me as I go. I trust that the Lord will keep my eyes open so that I will see his plan in work. Sometimes it hard not to question why God has allowed something to happen. In Sunday School class we had this very discussion and our study book that we are using states that we should question our faith because it allows us to grow as Christians because we want to search for the answers.

I just ask that you pray that the pain gets easier and that God's will be done. Visit the above site..

BLANKETS 4 THE HOMELESS

Last night I was blessed to met and awesome couple who are collecting blankets for the Homeless of Nashville. I am President of the HUMW and was in charge of the meeting last night. Unfortunately, only one person showed up other than Kerry and I. Sonya gave a wonderful testimony about how God led her to help the Homeless by providing them blankets. Her husband Charles is surely a Man of God. You can just feel God's love around both of them.

What A Blessing it was to meet them!!!!!!

Kerry wants to do a blanket drive next semester to help out the homeless. WOW!! She is such a caring person.

I hope that anyone who reads this post will feel lead to start collecting blankets for the homeless...

In God's Love, Ang

PRAYER

Do you believe in the power of prayer? I sure do. I may not get what I ask for but, I do know that if I don't get what I pray for, it wasn't in God's will.

I've learned a lot about God's will. Kelly and I were trying to get pregnant from the 1st day we got back together 5 years ago and really trying since we got married 4 years ago. I took fertility drugs to make sure I was ovulating. I was. I got pregnant right before our 2ND anniversary. I actually found out I was pregnant on our anniversary. It was a sweet anniversary present for both of us. 3 months later I miscarried. That was not so sweet. We continued to pray.. This time it was for strength to deal with a tragic loss. I knew that the baby was sick because I knew that God would not give me such a gift then take it away if the baby wasn't sick. The baby had a chromosomal defect. I never learned the sex, but I am pretty sure it was boy. I at least got to see it's heart beat along with my Mom. It was the greatest moment of my life.

This past December I had to have an emergency hysterectomy because I was basically eat up with endometerosis. I had it from my breast bone to my uterus. Everything was smushed together. The OBGYN told Kelly that it was all in my uterus and I wouldn't have been able to carry a baby to full term only to 3 months- therefore, that is what caused the miscarriage. The OBGYN didn't want to to the hysterectomy either but it was that or I would die. Thank God for Dr. B.

The day before my surgery, I had called some of my church ladies and told them I wanted them to pray that I wouldn't have to have an hysterectomy. They told me to pray for God's will. Well, being the stubborn one I just cried and said, I want a baby. I was in terrible pain. My heart was breaking and my stomach was killing me from the pain too. I eventually felt a calm come over me and knew that God was with me and that I needed to pray for God's will. I was saying the Apostle Creed when I went under for the surgery. When I woke up, I knew with-out being told that I had to have a hysterectomy. Dr. B. was the sweetest to me, he was apologizing for having to perform the surgery. My Mom and step-daughter took the hysterectomy worse than I did.

I know that God has a greater plan for me. I am a great step-mom and one day will be a great Mom to a child we have adopted. I sometimes wish that I could open my Bible and see a little note that God has written to me to let me know what his plan is.

God's will- I gotta pray for it, so do you...

Acceptance

"It’s sad that society tells fat [insert any number of looksist descriptors here] people that we will be lucky to find someone who appreciates us as just as we are. Like it’s some sort of great and rare sacrifice on the part of (non-fat) others to actually find us attractive."( I read this on Fashionistas! blog)

You know, this is something I struggle with everyday. I am FAT!! There I said it... I know that I am fat and I don't need anyone telling me that I am. I am also BEAUTIFUL, CARING, LOVING and pretty much a good person all around. Yes, I have my faults but, they are small faults. Hopefully Kelly will say the same if you ask him. I love that my husband makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. When I am around him, I am not fat. I am a runway model because of the way he makes me feel. I have a coworker who is a good size but feels like she is as big as I am and is always making comments that she wishes she had my confidence. She says that I am skinny on the inside. Maybe so, but the best thing is, I have confidence of who I am.

I am a wife, a child of GOD, a martial arts student, a friend, a co-worker, a daughter, a sister, a step-mom, etc. I hate to do laundry but do it anyway, I hate to wash dishes, but do it any way. I hate to grocery shop- I am a tight-wad! But do it anyway. I hate to walk for exercise, but I know that if I don't, my joints will stiffen up and then I won't be able to do anything I enjoy to do.

In a few weeks I will be shooting a commercial for a plus-size lingerie store in the 'Boro. This will be the second time I have does this for them. It's fun to do and I get to live out my dream of being a "model". It doesn't hurt to dream to be a model when you are a plus size woman. I know that I am pretty, heck, I've been told that ALL my life. I don't have the big head. I always tell my step-daughter, if you don't love yourself, no one will fall in love with you.... I had a co-worker to tell me that he thought I was beautiful because of the way I carry myself, I walk into a room to be noticed but not to be the center of attention. I carry myself so that I am approachable, but so people know that they can't run all over me.

I owe my Mom for the self-esteem she has given me. She always told me, I am no better than anyone, and no one is better than me. Yep, that's right. You go Momma! My Mom is a self reliant person, she doesn't need anyone to help her. Now, that is good sometimes and bad at other times. She is very impatient, another quality I have inherited. She is a leader and no matter what my brother says, she was a good mother. Yeah, she was hard on us at times but, hey, we aren't in Jail or living with her and mooching off her or anyone else.

So everyone, let's accept people for the qualities that they can give to us, or the things we can learn from them, not for the color of their skin, the size of their body, the color of their eyes or the religion they choose to worship. We need more acceptance in this world and with each other.
Peace out with All of God's love-Ang